Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Expect Nothing

Good advice, but only if you can do it.  Isn’t that the catch with a lot of things? Smoking isn’t bad for you, if you manage to quit. Carl Jung said, “All anger is the result of unfulfilled expectations.” So if that’s true I must be expecting to stumble on the fountain of youth, win the Tour de France and get a regular job. I gave up booze and cigarettes, but I’m not giving up expectations. That would really piss me off.
My friend Victoria sent this Christmas letter. I’m not going to suggest she give up expectations either.    
A Hillbilly Holiday Story  
Two days ago a neighbor warned us that four neighborhood Toyota trucks had been relieved of their rare metal recycling trophies; catalytic converters.  
Last night we pulled into our parking lot and surprised four guys who presumably have stolen converters in the neighborhood.  
 So, while all six of us (dykes and burglars) were deciding what to do in our mutual surprise, Viv and I scrambled out of the truck. I reached inside the warehouse door for "Jessica" and drew down on the group of young men.
Brazen, huh?
They  whistled to their lookouts and scattered when I cocked the (EMPTY) shotgun (it sounds like death)  so I chased them up the street with it for a few seconds and wondered how criminals got to be so young and fit and I got to be so fat, mean and stupid.  
REEEEEALLY stupid it suddenly occurred to me as I stood alone in the dark with a huge empty gun in my hands. The police station was in sight and I didn't have a great explanation for myself.
The ensuing 911 call went something like this:
Maam, is a burglary in progress?
No, no, nothing is going on anymore.  I'm not even there.  We've all run up the street toward you. They're probably right outside your station window, if you look out.  I'm just calling so won't shoot me.
Maam, where are you? Do they have weapons? Can you describe them?  
Oh we're right here near you. Four guys, one in a white hoodie sweatshirt, all late teens, but I was the one waving the empty 12 gage around for effect  and they WERE  running away from me so I didn't get a look at their faces.
Uh,........Maam,  did you say you were waving a shotgun?  You have a weapon??
Maam, where are you?  
I'm about two blocks from the station. You can't miss me.  I'll be the only grey haired white lady carrying an empty 12 gage shotgun on Center Drive, so will you ask the officers not to shoot me please?
I'm sorry Maam, if an officer sees a suspicious gun they're trained to shoot if necessary.  You're carrying the gun at this time?  Do the suspects have a weapon?
umm................ can you at least let me get home before shooting me, then?
Minutes later two patrol cars pulled up.
They assured me that no one was in the next door yard and looked peeved.
No kidding. Thanks, guys.
So, today I airline cabled and welded the muffler and catalytic converter together on my truck in a giant automotive, granny crochet and steel rod security kludge.  Good luck me ever replacing my muffler.
Now I want my proactive citizen Girl Scout badge.
Happy Holidays!
Victoria, I’m not sure what impressed me more, that you have a shotgun, that you chased thieves with it, that you welded your own muffler or that you were thoughtful enough to send a Christmas letter.  Hope to see you later this year, where did you suggest , a cougar infested cabin in Montana? Count me in and please bring Jessica. 


1 comment:

  1. what IS that sculpture that looks so uncannily like yourself?