Happy New Year!

     Bless my Mom for saving our childhood artwork. It has been in her closet all these years, carefully saved with the dates written on the back. I was surprised to find that my choice of subjects and their composition had often repeated themselves. Through all the tumult and struggles of an adventurous life, painting has clearly been an avenue for reconnecting with the care free joy of childhood. Risking the security of a real job, throwing caution to the wind and often taking the path of most resistance are not things I can honestly recommend, but I have no regrets. Choosing uncertainty and risk guarantees you will feel fully present when you think the ship under you might be sinking a thousand miles from land, when gallery owners hand your work back as if it belongs in kitty litter or when you nearly miss a flight in a foreign country during a coup with ten dollars left to your name. Life is grand. I sincerely hope all your goals will be realized and dreams come true. Happy New Year!

Joan Buchanan 1924-2013

August 2013, still going strong at 89

        The night before Thanksgiving I didn’t know Mom was having a heart attack. She could not tell me where she was hurting. I thought she was coming down with the flu. Dementia is unkind in so many ways. Even in the ER they did not know right away since nothing indicated massive trauma. What an incredibly strong woman to endure so much pain while making silly faces to amuse the nurses. The doctors could not explain how her heart could still be beating, but I knew. Even without memories or a conscious connection to place and time Mom wanted to live. She loved life. And she was so strong that it took six days before the other half of her heart finally gave up. She was at home as the hospital had released her into our care through Hospice. I won’t describe her time in the hospital or her end. Over time hopefully those images will blur and become less disturbing. My Mom was a funny woman with a quick wit, which is how I will remember her. The violent and crude behavior as a result of advanced dementia I will forget in time. I practice fast forwarding through the difficult memories until I land on a good one, then I savor it and push the others aside.  

     Overall I wish there had been less anger in our lives. None of us ever quite fulfilled each others expectations. Mom would call me a pill and advised me to quit taking myself so seriously. I suggested she attend AA meetings. I’m not resentful about the time I spent caring for my parents. In a perfect world we would have been happier and less irritated with each other before disease ruled our interactions. Negative emotions certainly get in the way of having fun. I stayed present through the last ten years choosing time in the gym and hiking for solace over liquor and denial, but no judgement. They served a purpose for awhile in my life also. I held Mom’s hand as she departed. She said “I love you” often, before her heart failed rendering her silent. She could not remember my name, but I chose to believe she loved me because it felt better that way. I miss the goofy fun moments. I wish I had a photo of her buying a chocolate taco in her Tigger slippers at the colorful ice cream truck in front of the house from the wizened old guy with long white whiskers wearing a blue turban. She was never too proud to laugh at herself. She shuffled around in those silly slippers, which were advantageous as it hurt less when she kicked me. I hope she found Dad in heaven because the last year that she spent looking for him in closets was as heartbreaking as it was annoying. I love you Mom and hope you are at peace. I did my best. Feel free to haunt me now and then, I know you’d laugh about scaring me. Damn, this is one big empty house without you.      

We love you Dottie!

     Dorothy Harris, known affectionately as Dottie, passed away leaving a void where before a kind and generous soul inhabited. Dottie you lived well, but then quiet, sensitive people don’t generate drama. I will miss your laugh, kindness, concern and gentle prods to take better care of myself. It was impossible to be angry with you, except for leaving life too soon. You gave more love than you asked for and listened more than you spoke. There are so many things I still want to tell you just to watch you roll your eyes and laugh. We never crossed words and I draw a blank on problems, except one time I did not return a flashlight right away, which is the most I can come up with. Sitting on your lanai on Molokai, staring at the ocean when conversation seemed less important than sharing a moment, I learned serenity from you. You never failed to have a smile waiting, a warm hug and a wonderful welcome at your door. Humility is that quality where a person doesn’t expect a result, a reward or a favor in return. Dottie, you embodied those qualities and could always be counted on to tell the truth.

     Our dear friend is gone and it hurts.  My heart goes out to Bill and her family. Mickey said it best, “They are unconditionally lovely people.” There are so many good memories too, our week in American Samoa, countless family style dinners and shared laughter. Dottie emanated positive good will. She cared, said so and we believed her because she always told the truth in her quiet loving way. We are so much richer for her friendship. I love you Dottie and I sure miss you.  

Mom

     My Mother first showed signs of dementia ten years ago. Currently she believes she is in her early twenties and has no memory of me. Yesterday she announced that the Kleenex in her hand was a book of secrets. Her slow decline has gradually allowed me to adjust to the surprising attributes of a demented mind. The toilet brush in the refrigerator, a banana peel in her Ugh and a flashlight flushed down the toilet are all in a day. The more recent turn towards violence over not being responded to instantly, even by the people on television who she often talks to, is most difficult. Mom loses her teeth and hides things like cutlery and half eaten fruit in her diaper. When I threw a nasty diaper away that she believed was something precious worth saving I was admonished in a hissing voice with, “You go lick your own ass!” When I threw out the used ‘book of secrets’ she scorned, “You are the kind of person who really should hate yourself.” When I asked her to say something nice, she responded by punching me in the ribs.

     I called a plumber when the toilet overflowed because there is little time to fix anything myself. I had taped the lid closed to prevent it from being used until it was repaired. In a logical world that would have stopped most people. Undeterred Mom took a dump on the lid. I keep heavy duty gloves and a respirator on standby because cleaning up shit is a reality with people who barely recognize one end from the other.            

      Mom has taught me more patience than if I joined a monastery. She has numbed me into never taking anything personally. I work out to improve my health because taking care of both Mom and Dad last year nearly did me in. After many months of insane stress and little sleep I had developed a heart condition and it turns out that frequent hard exercise is the best remedy. Time at the gym is not frivolous. Hopefully I’m not mistaken, but I believe we are here to learn. Mom’s evenings during sun downing are a nightmare of anxiety, instant rage and confused sentiments. In her best moments she is maudlin, nonsensical or asleep. She is rarely likeable, although I love her with all my heart. Occasionally she speaks through her former mind and she sincerely thanks me for helping her. Her actions are unpredictable and I keep a wary eye on her hands to make sure she is not carrying anything sharp.

     Last week when we were discussing care options for Mom my brother said, “At least it is not stressful.” In charitable moments I interpret his comment as, “Way to go sis, you have miraculously found the strength to cope with this nightmare since you’re not showing signs of your health deteriorating from the stress again.” What part of this isn’t stressful though? A few nights a week I get to paint if I can talk Mom into going to bed early or I forgo sleep for the privilege. Time at the gym is not extra-curricular. It is akin to putting on my own oxygen mask before helping a child. Hiking in the surrounding hills offers a restorative serenity found solely in the beauty of nature and those moments are not negotiable either. I have much to be grateful for and no regrets, although so far I have yet to banish the hope that my Mom will see who I truly am.  On the deepest level isn’t that what we all want? To be seen and heard without judgment? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to receive unconditional goodwill from the people closest to us? It is more often wished for than found, but definitely easier to strive for than licking your own ass.  

me at Castle Rock near Mt. Diablo (thanks Karen!)

lone leafless tree

sun flare over rocks that look like Stonehenge

 Diablo Foothills, Walnut Creek, California

serene pond with an egret near Shell Ridge

bellowing cow

friends on a fallen giant

  

Pu'u O Hoku Ranch Animals, Molokai

          Last month I visited Pu’u O Hoku Ranch to photograph animals. After bumping down a dirt road toward the ocean we stopped in a wide field. Slowly a hundred cows, their calves and a giant bull ambled over, stood in a circle and stared at us. Herds of herbivores have a calming effect on the soul. I swear an hour in a pasture is therapeutic. Granted it could be a throwback to caveman DNA, which would make it the modern equivalent of perusing a well-stocked grocery store. Lacking a spear I took several hundred pictures. The cows and calves were healthy and content. I’ve painted cows before, but I keep going back to pictures I’ve taken at this ranch because the animals seem to be having a better time. I don’t know if they care about the view, but it was stunning. I wished I could stay longer, like forever, since it is one of the most beautiful places on Earth. Niue is too, but it’s a little harder to get there.

     Pu’u O Hoku Ranch has charming guest houses and so much more. If you have ever had the desire to visit Molokai check it out. It is a beautiful, peaceful place to stay, hike, swim or my favorite, stand around with cows.  

                                            puuohoku.com  

 

ocean front pasture

one lucky bull with offspring and harem

flirty cow

Mommy

the girls,  talkin' about it

no one would believe it if I painted this one

the sweetest cow ever

perfection

chickens crossing the road

boss rooster

           

hen house

Paintings (so far)